Circles of hell

"When you're going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill

I read that quote today. A comical truism for sure, but hard to muster when you're actually going through it. I am right now with my job. I don't say it lightly, thrown out after a busy day of grumpy customers or tedious staff. I say it, unfortunately, with a sadness and anxiety that makes me feel lonely and adrift. Work is hell.

I actually spent almost 3 hours at the end of the day with my boss telling him this truth. We were there until 8pm. (All too regular an exit time for me.) I've raised the issue before, sharing with him the stress of the volume of work, how much change is necessary, the difficulties when information isn't shared or is sprung on  me at the last minute, and the heaviest of all, how hard I am on myself. He is open and eagerly helpful in taking tasks off my plate or offering avenues of assistance, but when the Power(s) that be is the ultimate culprit I don't think there's really a lot you can do about it.

I've shared one story that sums up one exasperating aspect of the workplace. It happened a few weeks ago when I became disgusted once again with the one stapler in our department kept centrally next to the printer. It's one of those non-Swingline (obviously!) types that contorts one end of the staple into a deformed crunch of metal when you try to staple more than 3 pieces of paper. So, being the manager of the department, I ordered my own stapler on the next supply sheet.

Within hours, I had my new stapler. Impressive, I thought, until I received a call from the Executive Secretary to the owner. When I answered yes, I did get the stapler on my desk, and thanks for the quick turn around, she advised that she had taken it off an empty desk near her. "What hppened to the stapler that was on your desk?" she asked me. I didn't know, and told her there had never been one on my desk. I explained about the metal deformer next to the printer and this seemed to satisfiy her. "TheOwner will ask what happened to it and why you need another one." For a stapler. One stapler. OK, I"m all for frugality if it leads to a profitable company that can continue to provide me with a paycheck, but the owner of a 40+ employee company signs off on every stapler purchase?

I don't mean to sound excessive, and anyone reading this should know from how deep in me this comes, but I'm too dishearted to even describe any more of the defeating experiences I go through at this place. With that, it sure makes me recognize something about myself, and I'm sure others feel the same.....

I'm not a doctor or firefighter or anyone else whose daily successes are life giving and heroic. My job is customer service oriented just like many of the reatil jobs I've had. I'm not great mastermind, and others could fill my shoes. But I care deeply about doing a good job. I thrive on knowing that I've pleased a customer who will think positively about my company and what services we provide. I have a staff whose successes I highlight to those who can reward them, and I mentor and encourage them in their strengths and 'areas of improvement' so, even if they don't know where they shine, I can steer them to the place where they do. Money is not my main motivation, just simple recognition of my daily repeated commitment to these ideals, and maybe some praise and rewards of my own when I go way beyond my responsibilities, since I do on a regular basis. I have treated nearly every job as if I owned the company, and believed that any work I do is a reflection of me to an inner level. I just want to respect those I work for, believe in what we do, and feel I'm part of a team of people who help me be my best as I do them.

Is that really any different than what most people want? Is that some grand ideal that can't really be achieved? I know they call it "work" for a reason, but to feel defeated every day no matter how much effort you put in, admitting with melancholy that no matter how much you do it will never be enough, you'll never keep up with it all.... It breaks me.

Hey, I can work at a pretty damn good pace. In fact, I thrive in a firestorm. I have worked for enough small companies to know you wear whatever hat is needed at the moment, and you are often without all the resources you need. "Make due" is a daily theme. But when most of the fires are created by a person in power who just wants things their way - regardless of the customer! - well, I just can't respect that.

I knew the first six months would be hard and quite the learning curve. It is four months tomorrow, and I've found myself mute with stress, eyes brimming with tears and feeling that sanity is not only a tightrope but one that's jsut a hair's breath.

I need to feel better than this about giving this much.