I was just up for a visit in Delaware and have been back for a week and I can say it solidly feels like I am a Floridian. Hollywood, FL is home already, and I have to admit I'm pleasantly surprised.
Both my parents and I were born and raised in Delware, and I lived away from the First State only once, when I was first married. Both my sons were born in Manassas, VA. Living there NEVER felt like home, and there are probably a lot of reasons for that. I had found myself whirlwinded into marriage, motherhood, and moving to another state all within a four month period, and top that off with having just turned 20 years old. I felt nothing but 'far away' and spent three years yearning to be back where I felt comfortable.
I also lived near Rehoboth for three years in the early '90's. I look back now and see this as my first venture closer to the the sand and water, but I guess it wasn't far enough away. It was just close enough to feel the distance.
Here, I feel completely comfortable. I was driving around today on errands and realized how freely I navigate my way around. There are still a lot of places to learn, of course, but I know my little part of this world already, and it makes me feel at ease.
I wonder what it is that makes some place feel like home. When I lived near Rehoboth, for example, I knew that area from visits all my life. I knew the roads and where to get everything I needed. But something made me feel lonely, I guess. I never really made any friends in that area, and so living that life was solitary, except for the kids. My love for the atmosphere that I wanted wasn't enough to ever make me feel settled.
Here, I not only love the area but am happy with the life I'm building. I have my boyfriend, Tom, and a few others I've met and it seems like the seeds to a real life. This time, it doesn't feel like I'm looking for things to fill out and define my life, but instead feels like life has begun and I'm watching it grow.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Circles of hell
"When you're going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill
I read that quote today. A comical truism for sure, but hard to muster when you're actually going through it. I am right now with my job. I don't say it lightly, thrown out after a busy day of grumpy customers or tedious staff. I say it, unfortunately, with a sadness and anxiety that makes me feel lonely and adrift. Work is hell.
I actually spent almost 3 hours at the end of the day with my boss telling him this truth. We were there until 8pm. (All too regular an exit time for me.) I've raised the issue before, sharing with him the stress of the volume of work, how much change is necessary, the difficulties when information isn't shared or is sprung on me at the last minute, and the heaviest of all, how hard I am on myself. He is open and eagerly helpful in taking tasks off my plate or offering avenues of assistance, but when the Power(s) that be is the ultimate culprit I don't think there's really a lot you can do about it.
I've shared one story that sums up one exasperating aspect of the workplace. It happened a few weeks ago when I became disgusted once again with the one stapler in our department kept centrally next to the printer. It's one of those non-Swingline (obviously!) types that contorts one end of the staple into a deformed crunch of metal when you try to staple more than 3 pieces of paper. So, being the manager of the department, I ordered my own stapler on the next supply sheet.
Within hours, I had my new stapler. Impressive, I thought, until I received a call from the Executive Secretary to the owner. When I answered yes, I did get the stapler on my desk, and thanks for the quick turn around, she advised that she had taken it off an empty desk near her. "What hppened to the stapler that was on your desk?" she asked me. I didn't know, and told her there had never been one on my desk. I explained about the metal deformer next to the printer and this seemed to satisfiy her. "TheOwner will ask what happened to it and why you need another one." For a stapler. One stapler. OK, I"m all for frugality if it leads to a profitable company that can continue to provide me with a paycheck, but the owner of a 40+ employee company signs off on every stapler purchase?
I don't mean to sound excessive, and anyone reading this should know from how deep in me this comes, but I'm too dishearted to even describe any more of the defeating experiences I go through at this place. With that, it sure makes me recognize something about myself, and I'm sure others feel the same.....
I'm not a doctor or firefighter or anyone else whose daily successes are life giving and heroic. My job is customer service oriented just like many of the reatil jobs I've had. I'm not great mastermind, and others could fill my shoes. But I care deeply about doing a good job. I thrive on knowing that I've pleased a customer who will think positively about my company and what services we provide. I have a staff whose successes I highlight to those who can reward them, and I mentor and encourage them in their strengths and 'areas of improvement' so, even if they don't know where they shine, I can steer them to the place where they do. Money is not my main motivation, just simple recognition of my daily repeated commitment to these ideals, and maybe some praise and rewards of my own when I go way beyond my responsibilities, since I do on a regular basis. I have treated nearly every job as if I owned the company, and believed that any work I do is a reflection of me to an inner level. I just want to respect those I work for, believe in what we do, and feel I'm part of a team of people who help me be my best as I do them.
Is that really any different than what most people want? Is that some grand ideal that can't really be achieved? I know they call it "work" for a reason, but to feel defeated every day no matter how much effort you put in, admitting with melancholy that no matter how much you do it will never be enough, you'll never keep up with it all.... It breaks me.
Hey, I can work at a pretty damn good pace. In fact, I thrive in a firestorm. I have worked for enough small companies to know you wear whatever hat is needed at the moment, and you are often without all the resources you need. "Make due" is a daily theme. But when most of the fires are created by a person in power who just wants things their way - regardless of the customer! - well, I just can't respect that.
I knew the first six months would be hard and quite the learning curve. It is four months tomorrow, and I've found myself mute with stress, eyes brimming with tears and feeling that sanity is not only a tightrope but one that's jsut a hair's breath.
I need to feel better than this about giving this much.
I read that quote today. A comical truism for sure, but hard to muster when you're actually going through it. I am right now with my job. I don't say it lightly, thrown out after a busy day of grumpy customers or tedious staff. I say it, unfortunately, with a sadness and anxiety that makes me feel lonely and adrift. Work is hell.
I actually spent almost 3 hours at the end of the day with my boss telling him this truth. We were there until 8pm. (All too regular an exit time for me.) I've raised the issue before, sharing with him the stress of the volume of work, how much change is necessary, the difficulties when information isn't shared or is sprung on me at the last minute, and the heaviest of all, how hard I am on myself. He is open and eagerly helpful in taking tasks off my plate or offering avenues of assistance, but when the Power(s) that be is the ultimate culprit I don't think there's really a lot you can do about it.
I've shared one story that sums up one exasperating aspect of the workplace. It happened a few weeks ago when I became disgusted once again with the one stapler in our department kept centrally next to the printer. It's one of those non-Swingline (obviously!) types that contorts one end of the staple into a deformed crunch of metal when you try to staple more than 3 pieces of paper. So, being the manager of the department, I ordered my own stapler on the next supply sheet.
Within hours, I had my new stapler. Impressive, I thought, until I received a call from the Executive Secretary to the owner. When I answered yes, I did get the stapler on my desk, and thanks for the quick turn around, she advised that she had taken it off an empty desk near her. "What hppened to the stapler that was on your desk?" she asked me. I didn't know, and told her there had never been one on my desk. I explained about the metal deformer next to the printer and this seemed to satisfiy her. "TheOwner will ask what happened to it and why you need another one." For a stapler. One stapler. OK, I"m all for frugality if it leads to a profitable company that can continue to provide me with a paycheck, but the owner of a 40+ employee company signs off on every stapler purchase?
I don't mean to sound excessive, and anyone reading this should know from how deep in me this comes, but I'm too dishearted to even describe any more of the defeating experiences I go through at this place. With that, it sure makes me recognize something about myself, and I'm sure others feel the same.....
I'm not a doctor or firefighter or anyone else whose daily successes are life giving and heroic. My job is customer service oriented just like many of the reatil jobs I've had. I'm not great mastermind, and others could fill my shoes. But I care deeply about doing a good job. I thrive on knowing that I've pleased a customer who will think positively about my company and what services we provide. I have a staff whose successes I highlight to those who can reward them, and I mentor and encourage them in their strengths and 'areas of improvement' so, even if they don't know where they shine, I can steer them to the place where they do. Money is not my main motivation, just simple recognition of my daily repeated commitment to these ideals, and maybe some praise and rewards of my own when I go way beyond my responsibilities, since I do on a regular basis. I have treated nearly every job as if I owned the company, and believed that any work I do is a reflection of me to an inner level. I just want to respect those I work for, believe in what we do, and feel I'm part of a team of people who help me be my best as I do them.
Is that really any different than what most people want? Is that some grand ideal that can't really be achieved? I know they call it "work" for a reason, but to feel defeated every day no matter how much effort you put in, admitting with melancholy that no matter how much you do it will never be enough, you'll never keep up with it all.... It breaks me.
Hey, I can work at a pretty damn good pace. In fact, I thrive in a firestorm. I have worked for enough small companies to know you wear whatever hat is needed at the moment, and you are often without all the resources you need. "Make due" is a daily theme. But when most of the fires are created by a person in power who just wants things their way - regardless of the customer! - well, I just can't respect that.
I knew the first six months would be hard and quite the learning curve. It is four months tomorrow, and I've found myself mute with stress, eyes brimming with tears and feeling that sanity is not only a tightrope but one that's jsut a hair's breath.
I need to feel better than this about giving this much.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Back again
Too much work and no internet of my own kept me from my bloggish outpouring, but I'm back!
The apartment is all settled, thanks to flea markets, yard sales and few key new items, one being a Vizio 36" TV with cable and internet. I hated admitting how tied I was to TV. Just hearing another voice or at least having the opportunity after a hard day to sit mindlessly in front of flashing images and sounds to smother the stressful thoughts was more relaxing than I realized. An empty apartment with no carpet and little furniture has a sad echo. It was a bit like a cell. I thought of movie scenes where all the worldly possessions of a prisoner were few, simple and able to be contained in a small space. Sure, I have a couple of rooms to move through, but it sure seemed the same. Filling it all in, even with second (or possibly third hand) stuff was surprisingly comforting.
I'm still working wwaaaaaaayyyy too much though. 50+ hours a week for a personable enough boss but one who thinks everything - and I do mean everything on the radar - can be done, and therefore must at 100mph, all while being understaffed. (I currently have 5 technicians covering 24 X 7 SHIFTS!) But that's all for another blog....along with a few other things.
The apartment is all settled, thanks to flea markets, yard sales and few key new items, one being a Vizio 36" TV with cable and internet. I hated admitting how tied I was to TV. Just hearing another voice or at least having the opportunity after a hard day to sit mindlessly in front of flashing images and sounds to smother the stressful thoughts was more relaxing than I realized. An empty apartment with no carpet and little furniture has a sad echo. It was a bit like a cell. I thought of movie scenes where all the worldly possessions of a prisoner were few, simple and able to be contained in a small space. Sure, I have a couple of rooms to move through, but it sure seemed the same. Filling it all in, even with second (or possibly third hand) stuff was surprisingly comforting.
I'm still working wwaaaaaaayyyy too much though. 50+ hours a week for a personable enough boss but one who thinks everything - and I do mean everything on the radar - can be done, and therefore must at 100mph, all while being understaffed. (I currently have 5 technicians covering 24 X 7 SHIFTS!) But that's all for another blog....along with a few other things.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Circles in Life
It looks like I'll be in an apartment by this weekend. I've been approved by the owner of the condo, signed an application & lease and provided a deposit, and I'm now waiting for an "interview" with the condo association president. Seems rather snooty, but believe me, it's not that kind of place. I guess it's comforting to think that the complex where I want to live at least checks everyone out personally before letting them move in.
The building kind of looks like a small hotel. There's a lot of those in Florida - little condo buildings of 2-4 stories, maybe a dozen to several dozen units around a cental courtyard or, like mine, a pool. They have that quaint 50-60's vibe and are pretty well kept if not glamorous. The best part about the one I'm in is that it's just 2 blocks from the heart of downtown Hollywood. Think Main Street in Newark with palm trees. It's less college town and more urban rennaisance, and it feeds into a huge traffic circle that is the centerpiece of the cities downtown events. The circle is surrounded by almost everything I'll need: grocery and drug stores, coffee shops, PNC bank (yes, they're down here), and, if I can't afford the gym, a pole dancing exercise studio. That's all they apparently offer, and sometimes they even have the curtains open at night while classes are going on. Ok, ok...I'll post a picture if I get a chance.
In the meantime, here's my apartment building.
http://g.co/maps/hk74d
I'm not sure how long ago this picture was taken because there are a lot more trees and it's not quite as desolate looking as it appears here.
So, I'll be moving into this apartment later this week and it should take me.....about an hour. I mean, the only furniture I crammed into my car for the drive down was a makeup table and jewelry armoire. Space sacks stuffed the remaining space full of clothes and yarn, with just two small boxes of personal items. That's it. As I said in a previous post, it's strange to realize what you believe to be important to you when you've only so much room to allot for those possessions.
And so this one bedroom apartment will have a closet full of clothes, plenty of yarn, and those two furniture pieces. Nothing. Else. I'm not even sure how I'll sleep for a little while since I'm using all the money I feel comfortable allotting to get this place. It reminds me of approximately 25 years ago when I got my first place after my divorice. The kids and I had mattresses on bed frames, a small wooden dinette set and a TV. We sat on the floor and leaned against the wall to watch TV at night. I think we lived like that for at least 6 months until my boyfriend at the time got sick of visiting an apartment in that condition (I suppose) and bought me a living set from This End Up. I still have that damn furniture in my house in Delaware, and I have to admit I'm not sorry to have to do without it.
At 49 years old, here I am again - starting over. Sure, I have a "treasure trove" of worldly possessions back in Delaware, but as I told someone the other day, "Why pay to have all my second and third hand junk brought down here when I can just buy new junk." Goodwill, here I come.
There's something fun about being able to start over though. And although I won't have money to buy anything fancy and new, it's all new to me and will be all mine.
The building kind of looks like a small hotel. There's a lot of those in Florida - little condo buildings of 2-4 stories, maybe a dozen to several dozen units around a cental courtyard or, like mine, a pool. They have that quaint 50-60's vibe and are pretty well kept if not glamorous. The best part about the one I'm in is that it's just 2 blocks from the heart of downtown Hollywood. Think Main Street in Newark with palm trees. It's less college town and more urban rennaisance, and it feeds into a huge traffic circle that is the centerpiece of the cities downtown events. The circle is surrounded by almost everything I'll need: grocery and drug stores, coffee shops, PNC bank (yes, they're down here), and, if I can't afford the gym, a pole dancing exercise studio. That's all they apparently offer, and sometimes they even have the curtains open at night while classes are going on. Ok, ok...I'll post a picture if I get a chance.
In the meantime, here's my apartment building.
http://g.co/maps/hk74d
I'm not sure how long ago this picture was taken because there are a lot more trees and it's not quite as desolate looking as it appears here.
So, I'll be moving into this apartment later this week and it should take me.....about an hour. I mean, the only furniture I crammed into my car for the drive down was a makeup table and jewelry armoire. Space sacks stuffed the remaining space full of clothes and yarn, with just two small boxes of personal items. That's it. As I said in a previous post, it's strange to realize what you believe to be important to you when you've only so much room to allot for those possessions.
And so this one bedroom apartment will have a closet full of clothes, plenty of yarn, and those two furniture pieces. Nothing. Else. I'm not even sure how I'll sleep for a little while since I'm using all the money I feel comfortable allotting to get this place. It reminds me of approximately 25 years ago when I got my first place after my divorice. The kids and I had mattresses on bed frames, a small wooden dinette set and a TV. We sat on the floor and leaned against the wall to watch TV at night. I think we lived like that for at least 6 months until my boyfriend at the time got sick of visiting an apartment in that condition (I suppose) and bought me a living set from This End Up. I still have that damn furniture in my house in Delaware, and I have to admit I'm not sorry to have to do without it.
At 49 years old, here I am again - starting over. Sure, I have a "treasure trove" of worldly possessions back in Delaware, but as I told someone the other day, "Why pay to have all my second and third hand junk brought down here when I can just buy new junk." Goodwill, here I come.
There's something fun about being able to start over though. And although I won't have money to buy anything fancy and new, it's all new to me and will be all mine.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Life so far
So it's been a month since I got here to Florida, and a month today since the job began. About all I have to say about the job is it's just that - a job. Thank goodness I've become accustom to "crazy" at jobs over the years because I don't think I would have made it past the second week...apparently, like the last Help Desk Manager at this place. The key thing is that the people I work with day to day are really great, and that makes all the difference.
Florida.Is.Great! The weather has been wonderful, but I will quickly learn what the worst of the heat and humidity are going to be like since I think Feb/Mar was "Spring" and April begins the summer season. We'll see what it's like here with day-in/day-out humidity (the hair is already protesting greatly). Somehow, just being outside with the sum and warmth most of the time as opposed to some of the time just makes my heart smile. I said to Tom that I am definitely a descendent from the evolutionary chain that crawled out of the sea and laid on the sand.
Tom so generously gave me an old laptop so I can have access to this blog, etc. much more often, so I will plan on posting more. Stay tuned....
Florida.Is.Great! The weather has been wonderful, but I will quickly learn what the worst of the heat and humidity are going to be like since I think Feb/Mar was "Spring" and April begins the summer season. We'll see what it's like here with day-in/day-out humidity (the hair is already protesting greatly). Somehow, just being outside with the sum and warmth most of the time as opposed to some of the time just makes my heart smile. I said to Tom that I am definitely a descendent from the evolutionary chain that crawled out of the sea and laid on the sand.
Tom so generously gave me an old laptop so I can have access to this blog, etc. much more often, so I will plan on posting more. Stay tuned....
Thursday, February 23, 2012
The Job
I'll be starting day 4 today of this new job, a Help Desk Manager at a medical software company. I won't mention the name here because they claim to be pretty diligent about web crawls and such, looking for posts of their name and advising you to at least write a disclaimer that your views are not theirs, blah, blah.... They claim to be pretty diligent about a lot of things. all listed in the employee handbook I had to read on day one. Everything from not using your phone except for emergencies, don't email people but call instead, how exactly to host a meeting, how many times per day to check your voicemail & text when you are off! Four tests followed to make sure I understood these proclaimations. But after three days there I've found it's a little more smoke and mirrors than strict policy. Especially since I failed the HIPAA test and they brought it back to me to retake...with my original, marked with all the correct answers. "Just need it for your file," the adminstrative assistant said, which I guess also has to at least appear diligent in its preparation.
All and all, it's OK so far. They are better in some respects, and they could use improvement in others. The most awkward part is seeing how much I have to learn. This software is very robust. It's used in ER departments so it houses intake information, triage, test orders, prescriptions, etc., all used live by doctors and nurses while working on patients. So there's not only a lot of software development I need to understand but hospital terminology and process also.
I hate this part... the first weeks and months of a job where you don't know anything, don't know the history of anything. I like to KNOW what I'm doing and want to be able to make decisions and join in on discussions and generally confirm I'm not an idiot. Many of you will not be surprised with my precious demeanor in these types of situations. I tend to observe and hold back a bit, taking it in and registering the information in a way that my mind will remember it for future reference (because, dear God, my memory seems to get worse every year). Therefore, you can imagine my face through all of this. Most likely, it is much the face I had in bars as I people-watched while my friend was off getting a drink. More than once I had some guy approach me and say, "Geez, smile already!" Hey, I get absorbed in what I'm doing and the face isn't mean, it's just.... intense.
Maybe I'm diligent too, so maybe I'll fit right in.
All and all, it's OK so far. They are better in some respects, and they could use improvement in others. The most awkward part is seeing how much I have to learn. This software is very robust. It's used in ER departments so it houses intake information, triage, test orders, prescriptions, etc., all used live by doctors and nurses while working on patients. So there's not only a lot of software development I need to understand but hospital terminology and process also.
I hate this part... the first weeks and months of a job where you don't know anything, don't know the history of anything. I like to KNOW what I'm doing and want to be able to make decisions and join in on discussions and generally confirm I'm not an idiot. Many of you will not be surprised with my precious demeanor in these types of situations. I tend to observe and hold back a bit, taking it in and registering the information in a way that my mind will remember it for future reference (because, dear God, my memory seems to get worse every year). Therefore, you can imagine my face through all of this. Most likely, it is much the face I had in bars as I people-watched while my friend was off getting a drink. More than once I had some guy approach me and say, "Geez, smile already!" Hey, I get absorbed in what I'm doing and the face isn't mean, it's just.... intense.
Maybe I'm diligent too, so maybe I'll fit right in.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
This is every day now
I'm finally over my car lag (as opposed to jet lag) and been here two and a half days already. Feels like I've been here awhile, but then I'm completely comfortable at Tom's house. I'll be looking for my own place this week, and I may have something lined up already with one of my Florida crochet buddies (hey, I joined that group to make connections as much as to sit around yarning with a bunch of women). More on that as I figure it out. For now, I'm at Tom's houuse with him and Josh & Erin, his roommates. And Walter the dog and Tucker the cat. So yes, I've got a little bit of a cat fix here but don't even get me started on missing my cats (no, I didn't bring any - yet!).
The skies have been blue and sunny and the days have been about 80 since we got here. Matthew and I went to the beach yesterday, me donned in my bathing suit and flip flops, him in.... jeans. I guess it's been awhile since I took my son to the beach and I didn't know that he has little interest these days in getting in the water. Or wearing shorts apparently. Well, if they visit, I'll surely know it's to see me and not take advantage of the locale.
While driving about yesterday, Matthew said, "Wow, it's like a forget sometimes. You really live here now." "I know," I said, thinking about how it just feels like we're on a little vacation together and everything is normal. Not thinking about putting him on a plane tomorrow morning and not seeing him for months at a time. I tear up just thinking about it, and when I think about hugging Thomas goodbye in the living room of Mansion Road at 3:00am on Wednesday, him not letting go for those extra moments and me telling him as I felt it, just how much I'm going to miss him. Those words don't cover the feeling at all. My heart and soul ache with removing myself from a world where they are, even if it's just in passing through as they leave for work or joining me in the living room for an hour of TV, with barely a look or comment in passing sometimes. We really do squander so many moments in life.
But this isn't the wild west when people left home for adventure with a true chance of never returning. Where a letter home might take weeks, if it was ever received at all, and a parting look through teary eyes is all you had to remember of those faces you love most. I'll be back, and they'll be here - jeans and dark clothes and all - and it will be just and extension of what we already have.
The skies have been blue and sunny and the days have been about 80 since we got here. Matthew and I went to the beach yesterday, me donned in my bathing suit and flip flops, him in.... jeans. I guess it's been awhile since I took my son to the beach and I didn't know that he has little interest these days in getting in the water. Or wearing shorts apparently. Well, if they visit, I'll surely know it's to see me and not take advantage of the locale.
While driving about yesterday, Matthew said, "Wow, it's like a forget sometimes. You really live here now." "I know," I said, thinking about how it just feels like we're on a little vacation together and everything is normal. Not thinking about putting him on a plane tomorrow morning and not seeing him for months at a time. I tear up just thinking about it, and when I think about hugging Thomas goodbye in the living room of Mansion Road at 3:00am on Wednesday, him not letting go for those extra moments and me telling him as I felt it, just how much I'm going to miss him. Those words don't cover the feeling at all. My heart and soul ache with removing myself from a world where they are, even if it's just in passing through as they leave for work or joining me in the living room for an hour of TV, with barely a look or comment in passing sometimes. We really do squander so many moments in life.
But this isn't the wild west when people left home for adventure with a true chance of never returning. Where a letter home might take weeks, if it was ever received at all, and a parting look through teary eyes is all you had to remember of those faces you love most. I'll be back, and they'll be here - jeans and dark clothes and all - and it will be just and extension of what we already have.
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